In the spirit of continuity, let us explore the worrying dream I had last night and the significance of it.
I dreamed I was outside of my house and saw a woman I dated or more pertinently, I was sleeping with around ten years ago, she is the woman from the end of the Coolio story. The story didn’t end there. Actually, in many respects, it was only beginning. In the dream she is with her sister. I look at her, we ignore each other. Some people start to appear. She looks at me. We make eye contact and then I turn away from her and turn my back. Then these people try to get into my house, ostensibly for some kind of party and I am furious about this. However, when I get into my house no-one is there.
Now I will explain the significance of this. If I thought that I had feelings for Coolio woman, then I was in for a big shock with her best friend. This was a pretty transformative point of my life. I developed a lot of aspects of myself. However, despite my outward appearance of easy going confidence, which I modelled on my hero Matthew McConaughey. Inside I was painfully insecure and unconfident. I should have realised that my insecurities with regards to dating this woman were meaningless and she would’ve ‘liked’ me anyway, but this kind of knowledge and self-awareness usually comes at a price. I was about to pay that price. I developed genuine feelings for this woman and deep down I wanted her to be my girlfriend, but our ‘relationship’ was pretty much: meet up usually on a Friday (occasionally Saturday, Sunday or once through the week too) and have sex. I had absolutely no idea how to move the relationship forward. If you date enough women, you’ll usually find that you can ‘get away’ with this for pretty much exactly six months. After six months if the relationship hasn’t MOVED FORWARD, they will drop your ass. Suffice to say, I’ve had quite a few ‘relationships’ that have lasted exactly six months. In fact, this is no joke, you can almost set your watch by this as a guideline. Lesson: move things FORWARD. Anyway, the night that she told me she didn’t want to see me anymore absolutely crushed me.
A few weeks later I literally saw her at the bar of one of my favourite clubs. When I saw that she was out with another dude and the rest of her chode friends, I was beyond devastated. Like, I had felt my heart being smashed into a number of tiny pieces. I tried to circumvent this by going hitting up a bunch of women, but I felt like I’d had the air sucked out of my lungs. Your self is always coming through and despite the feigned confidence in the approach, women can probably sense when inside someone probably wants to cry and I was knocked back by everyone I spoke to that night which just exacerbated my already depleted mood. I remember walking home that evening, a perfect picture of fucking misery. This would go onto become something of a perfect storm, because deep inside I was an unhappy person feigning confidence and positivity, and this was the killer blow for this persona. I spiralled into a depression. These days I would probably view this as the universe being cruel to be kind. A way of telling you that you are not on your true path and that it wasn’t accept you living up to your billing. Aaaaanyway, another couple of weeks later, another of her chode friendship group started hitting on me in a bar. I made the mistake of asking about her, and her friend told me all about her new boyfriend and how happy she is with him and how they’ve been seeing each other for about FOUR MONTHS. These days, I probably wouldn’t even bat an eyelid at this. I mean, just one example in the ensuing ten years to put this in to perspective: there was a ‘fuck buddy’ I had with whom I’d pretty much spent an entire afternoon having sex, I casually ask her what she’s doing that evening and she tells me she’s going on a date. I mean this is moments after she’s had my dick in her mouth and I just have visions of some poor young chode all excited as he’s getting dressed, making a big effort, visualising their first kiss, their wedding and what they’re going to call their kids. So this stuff is more common than you think. So do not kiss on the first date. Or the second… just kidding, sort of. Anyway, I kind of digress. So I had feelings for her. Nonetheless, I found out not so long back that she actually ended up MARRYING the guy I saw her with in the bar that night. So good for her. Also, if you’re keeping score on this blog, you’ll now see where this is going. Dreams are deeply symbolic. She is a MARRIED WOMAN who I was totally in love with. This represents my current relationship. Wanting to turn my back and walk away represents my current feelings. The people trying to get into my house represent why. I don’t want to, or I’m frightened to let anyone ‘in.’ Of course, in the reverse, the back turn also means I can TURN IT AROUND, or you know, I could actually just go up to her, speak to her and you know take her back to my proverbial house which is right there. Welcome to the fucking jungle.